OK-- It has been made very clear that The Lord wants me to start a blog. I cringe and roll my eyes as i type all of this, because i am not one to put all of my thoughts out for everyone to read. I write constantly. Journaling is something i am very passionate about and i will admit it has become my outlet for dealing with things, as opposed to talking with someone. For those who know me can say that i love writing and love keeping my thoughts to myself. I have no problem speaking my mind, projecting my opinions and being honest to someone about something. But, when it comes to opening up, talking about my feelings, expressing my thoughts, sharing my emotions, etc. i would much rather hear yours than say all of mine outloud and leave judgement on my words upto someone other than myself. If that makes sense. I am very much a closed book, it is very hard for me to let people in and trust them. So, i am trusting God and i know by doing this will help me in being able to go deeper with others on my part and not just theirs.
When i was in Costa Rica, God showed me how important it is to be vunerable with strangers, friends, family members, etc. Vunerable meaning, opening up, becoming transparent and real with someone. It was high up in the mountains, crammed in a tiny house, and surrounded by my friends and strangers who all loved Jesus, that i first opened up in a way i don't think i have ever. I told my life story and even cried. Crying is not something i do(i lost my tearducts in Nam) especially in-front of people. I used to think it was a sign of weakness, too emotional, lame or too girl for me. But, i freakin' cried and talked about my life before really loving God. After i had shared people were told me how much i had ministered to them just by sharing, one woman said she could relate to my story, she was like 60 and was able to relate to a 18 yr old girl from the U.S.. "It is comforting to know you guys have problems just like us." was what one man said after every single of us(the youth group and interns)gave our testimonies. To open up like that is very powerful. Being vunerable is a very powerful thing.
So, since it was my testimony that created this freedom of release within myself to be vunerable, transparent, open up, wtv.(wtv.=whatever: kinda like etc.) I've decided i will tell my testimony here. I have only told my testimony 2x. Once in the mountains of Costa Rica and once at a park with one of my best friends. I understand that a lot of what i will say might shock a lot of people...especially those who do not know me very well and those who do know me very well. Ya see, because i have never really talked about things nobody ever knew things about with me. So here goes nothing...
I gave my heart to Jesus when i was 7 yrs old and i grew up a PK(preacher's kid). Needless to say i always knew the truth about it all...Heaven and hell...Jesus and God....Adam and Eve...you get it. But, when i was 13 Satan came at me with full force and i buckled. I struggled between trying to be "a good christian" and "a normal teenager". It is very hard to be a normal teenager if you love Jesus, because you have to say no to temptation and set a good example for your friends. I was tempted with the world, fell in love with it and it slowly started to swallow me up. From 13-14 i struggled between loving God and the world...and no man can serve two masters. But, from 15 on i was dying to turn 16...because that is when i could stop going to church "as a family" is what Dad said. My family knew i was struggling, they encouraged me. But, i was so bitter, hardhearted and stubborn i refused it. My church family suspected things wrong with me i guess, but i was really good at lying. Man, i rocked at lies. I knew how to make it sound like spiritually i was fantastic when really i was stonecold inside. I became very angry and depressed at 13. I attempted to kill myself when i was 13 bout to turn 14. I would cut myself up so much that sometimes my arms and legs were no longer recognizeable. I would cover up the wounds and nurse them back to health(because i never wanted big scars from it). I never did it for attention, to be noticed, wtv. i did it because i literally couldn't feel anything. I became addicted to my own self affliction and soon it wasn't filling the void i was hoping it would.
I had become so apathetic, self loathing, angry and depressed i scared myself at times and i refused to talk about any of it or ask for help. Apathetic is the best way/word i can use to describe how i was. I literally found no reason to do anything. I could have cared less about everything!
At 16 i became addicted to sleeping pills. I would sleep for days and never want to wake up. I didn't care about anything, anyone and so i would just do what i wanted. I built up an immunity to the pills and was quickly taking 5 just to even get a bit sleepy enough to nap. So, i took a lot.
One day i took 10 just to sleep, and when i woke up 1 hour later i took 5 more. Hoping it would be just enough to kill myself. That is a deadly amount of chemicals and i should have died...atleast that is what I have been told. I woke up the next day with a pounding headache and stomache ache. The fact that i woke up with minor pains and actually breathing freaked me out. So i decided never to take them unless i actually needed them.
Over the ages 13-17 i developed a heavy drug use. I smoked so much marijuana i don't really remember much. I couldn't tell you much of my 16th and 17th year. I mainly know what i have written down in my journals and what i have been told. Once i am told something i can kind of remember, but not completely. I did a lot of other drugs that i never told anyone about because i knew my friends would disapprove. My friends are the main reason i didn't just shoot myself, hang myself, etc. as harsh as that sounds it is true. Because i couldn't stand my family much at that time, i let my friends speak love and truth to me. Only one group of friends i mingled with were all of that to me....the others were terrible people for me to hang around with.
I was constantly in dangerous situations and the Lord would ALWAYS speak to me. I heard Him more clearly then than i do now. Odd, isn't it? But, i thank Him all the time for that.
I reached a point where i wasn't happy, sure i could look the part and act the part...but i was dying inside. I was unsatisfied...i needed to grow up and better myself. So, because i had this mindset of "you can be a christian and still be a good person." i would always strive for just that standard. It's like i was always out to prove everyone who thought otherwise wrong. I starting to quit smoking, drinking and limiting my amount of daily drugs. But, i always fell back..because i had no standard, accountability or morals. You can be a good person and not be a christian...i still firmly think this...but, you need Jesus...everyone does. Without Him we will always fall again and again.
My little sisler, Christina is the most precious person in the world, to me. She had been on the worship team at church and asked me to come hear her sing. I told her i would, so reluctantly i showed up late and left right after. But the whole time worship was going my heart was racing and hurting. I kept thinking "I belong here. I am a stranger in the place i grew up in." I saw people i had never met before...lots of them. "This is my home." i thought, but i was so stubborn and confused right then i just wanted to cry. My other wonderful sisler, Erica reached over and held my hand till worship was over. I could barely stand the emotions that had bubbled up randomly and just needed to get out! I left right after and sobbed my eyes out! I didn't even understand why i was sobbing so much...my emotions just got out of hand in there. After i calmed down i wanted to do something mindless and so i got on FACEBOOK. My OTHER amazing sisler, Anna randomly chatted me. She had been in Costa Rica so we had catching up to do. Mid way through our conversation she started telling me her testimony, how she was unsatisfied, tried everything she could to better herself but ultimately just needed Jesus. I got defensive and told her i was satisfied, happy and a good person. End of conversation. Harsh, i know...but that was pretty much how i operated. Harsh and straight to the point.
I processed it all and figured i would just start coming to church again, because i missed it. So i texted my sister.
ME: "maybe i wanna start coming back to church"
ERICA: "are you gonna sit in the pew or change?"
OUCH...but true.
ME: "idk."
ERICA: "come over to my house after class and we'll talk about it."
so i did....and i knew what was gonna happen.
I came in, we made small talk and then i started crying and talking to her about everything. Then we went in her living room and she prayed with me. Then i went home to talk with my parents, but first i called Rachel(yet another sister)and told her. My parents prayed over me for my upcoming walk with God, addiction(i didn't think they knew about my drug use), and rebuked lies satan had fed me. Then, i went to Rachel's and we skyped Anna so i could tell her.
I love my family, life and Savior. I gave in to so many lies and satan beat me down, but Christ got the victory in the end. I am 100% happier now than i ever was. I went through a lot, saw a lot and experienced so much. But, there is no other way i would want to live my life! I love Jesus and am satisfied. I am constantly growing and there is never anything that i can't overcome without Him.
:D
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