"Did you see her arms?"

"Did you see her arms?" 

                                             "She's the girl with problems."

"Why do you always wear hoodies?"

                                                  
                                                           "She's  just doing it for attention."

      In today's society of messed up, impressionable teenagers, "cutting" is sometimes seen as a cool thing.
THAT IS WRONG!
     I was battling some heavy stuff when i was "cutting" myself. I had emotional problems, apathy consumed my mind and the only way I could feel much of life was a pair of blue scissors to my arms or legs. It was something I could control. I could control when I would be hurt, because I had hardened myself to the verbal, psychological and emotional hurt around me. It grew to an addiction and suddenly it was more of a problem than the solution.
     I had no one to talk to about it who was dealing with the same thing. Because, if you are an emotional misunderstood teenager, you cut yourself. So naturally, everybody's doing it.
"Oh, this? Yeah, my boyfriend broke up with me."
                                      "I did this when my mom and i got into it."
"I failed my math test."
                                     
      Those I surrounded myself with either did it too, or looked at me like I was one big problem. We would talk about it, but glorified it, rather than tried to help one another. To few, it was a social norm...but to those who were struggling, it was an addiction.
     So, I quit talking about it. It wasn't helping, just making it worse and nobody was uplifting. My friends would still engage me and talk about it, but I stayed quiet. I didn't want to be known as "the girl with problems" or "did you see her arms?", so I kept it secret. I would nurse my wounds, use Neosporin to hide any future scars that could be visible and cut lighter.
       My addiction with self affliction almost killed me. A Quick thought out slice to the crooks of my elbows, deep enough to possibly kill myself, but I wouldn't know...I'm still here. That was when I chose to give up, because it was no longer curing my apathy. Instead, it made me feel worse. I did move onto other things...drugs...but that's another blog in the making.
     Yes, I moved on and away from cutting. But that didn't mean I was healed. I still struggled with apathy and eventually found an outlet with writing.
     Self affliction is a serious addiction. The control behind hurting yourself is a serious problem. It is a very sick trend and a hurtful addiction. When you are seeking control of your internal wounds, you take your frustration out on yourself. You kill the thing on the outside to kill the thing on the inside.
      Many people believe cutting is a "cry for help", which in some cases it probably is. But, in my experience there was no way I wanted anyone else to acknowledge my cry. At times I wished someone had noticed, but in all honesty it was my demon and my fight. I'm not saying this is the case for all adolescents out there struggling with this, but it could be. When you treat people who are "cutting" as if they are crying out for help, it does not open any doors for healing. I didn't want to be treated like I was crying out for help, I wanted someone to listen to me and acknowledge my pain....but ultimately my issue was apathy and I wanted to feel something.
     When I would become emotionally "hurt" it was easier for me to build an emotional block around my heart and harden it with bitterness and pain. I got so frustrated emotionally because I couldn't control how I could get hurt. When self affliction became an option for me, I became addicted to having power over my hurt. I never wanted to get hurt, nobody does, but when I knew I could take out my emotional frustration on myself then that would somehow make it O.K.
       WRONG! 
     When you are hurt/hurting you need to do healthier things to release emotional frustration. For me, I chose writing. I became an insomniac and would stay up in my room throughout the night writing and making up stories. I would go through like 2 packs of cigarettes and just sit by my window and write(sorry mom and dad). Although I was still struggling with drugs and alcohol, I felt acomplished in not cutting anymore.
     "Cutting" is an issue that needs to be addressed within today's generation! How many more people struggle with this? I do not know how to express my hearts passion behind this with words. I simply just want to help anyone who has ever gone through this or is currently going through it. Because, I would have wanted someone who was going through what I was to be able to sit down with me and tell me:
You are not the problem...
You have an addiction, you need help and you are NOT alone.
Any life is worth preserving and "cutting" will not lead to this...it will end in destruction.
Like I said earlier, "You kill the thing on the outside to kill the thing on the inside.".....well, the thing on the inside is Stephanie and although she's going through somethings, her life is still worth living.
If anyone reads this and is going through a struggle of some kind and want help or just someone to talk to, I'm here.
I have talked to many teenagers who were/are struggling with "cutting" and I've also watched their lives transform in so many ways I cannot explain. If there is hurting then I believe there is also healing and I want more than anything to see people get healed from this.