FINALLY! The blog everyone has been asking me to write. I'm so famous, I suppose :)
My apathetic mindset was my defense mechanism from hurtful and painful subjects/people/situations.
If I was apathetic towards something/someone then it was easier to not get attached and/or hurt.
Just like almost everyone else in the world, I have been hurt by people and been hit in the face with rejection. Overtime those hurts caused myself to build this big brick wall around my heart and together, my heart and I decided to not care anymore. If I did not care about people or situations then they ultimately had no affect on me.
First, I would like to address my attitude:
I was very much stubborn and put on a harsh exterior. Because I was stubborn I was not about to change anything for anyone. Especially if I had been hurt then I was becoming more and more harsh and uncaring. I was very careless with how I spoke and would talk down to my friends and family (Sorry ya'll!). But, when you become uncaring, brick wall around your heart, then no way will you be trusting of anyone. I had SERIOUS trust issues. Who could blame me?
Despite my harsh exterior, trust issues and apathy...my heart was very much sensitive and tender. I would not allow things near my heart because I knew what pain felt like, but I was still very much a sensitive and emotional human being. My family and friends will tell you I was a harsh person on the outside so "gushy" and "meaningful" looked as though they never affected me. When in reality they did, but I just could not let people know I was weak.
Being weak is how I saw showing my emotions, such as, crying, showing concern etc. If people saw I was tough and harsh then in my mind they would "think twice" before hurting me. Kinda silly...but it makes sense.
"Yeah, I'm not angry
And no, I'm not upset
It's taken me awhile
But this is what I've learned
Emotional attachment is really not a threat
When I'm simply not concerned
The things that I take on
I soon shrug off
'cause I know no one
Will ever be content
With the way things are
Or with what they've got
So I've given up and now I'm just indifferent
I must admit;
All the words you spoke, I hated
Cause I don't see just how I can be motivated
Enough to break a sweat over a dying race
It seems our fate is something we've already embraced
You all laugh at me
Like I'm not happy
With anything, any time, anywhere
And the half of me's all about apathy
And the other half just doesn't care
Yeah, bein' apathetic's a pathetic way to be
(I don't care)
What matters to you does not matter to me
('cause I don't care)
So take a wild guess
It's like I just couldn't care less
If all the things you find impressive
Just blew up and made those messes
That you'll frantically repair
Like it's a life or death affair
And all the while you're unaware
For this, you really shouldn't care
But it's so hard to see the reality
That the end will be the end of things
And our hearts are all we get to bring
So let's go ahead and make them worth something
I'm well aware that everything
Is a far cry from all right
I'm well aware that all of us
Can at times, be too uptight
And possibly, the remedy
Is a dose of apathy
You point your finger at you
I'll point mine right back at me"
Second, let us begin the struggles:
Now that you understand my reasoning for acting apathetic, let me tell you how I eventually became 100% apathetic.
Like I said earlier, my heart was still sensitive but I did not wanna show it. But, the more I pursued this attitude the more and more it felt real. I was constantly sowing into this mindset and so slowly I was feeling more and more unresponsive to life. Life instantly felt unreal to me and my heart felt a little dead. The big brick wall was there to stay, but the heart it was protecting no longer existed. I couldn't feel anything from the heart, but I could still show emotions, laughing, smiling, etc.
I wasn't this miserable person to be around. I loved having fun with my friends and laughing. But, part of me felt it was tedious and there was no point to life itself.
If I wanted to feel like my life mattered, I would cut myself. With every little cut, I could feel it and then it seemed as though I was a real person. Cutting seemed more real than my life.
Once I was over my cuttting phase, I developed other outlets. Because they were the ones I could also feel something....writing, drugs and alcohol.When I realized I had to be happy in order to feel and enjoy my life, I sought happiness in all the wrong outlets....other peoples happiness and boys(typical girl problem). I remained apathetic and seeking meaning and feeling through all sorts of things, until I gave my life to Christ. My meaning and feelings in life are now surrounded by the love of God and you truly are a changed person once you have experienced it.
There were times, and sometimes still, when I struggle with apathy, but I will ultimately never forget where my joy comes from.
Lamentations 3:22
"Because of the Lord's great love
we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail"
My apathetic mindset was my defense mechanism from hurtful and painful subjects/people/situations.
If I was apathetic towards something/someone then it was easier to not get attached and/or hurt.
Just like almost everyone else in the world, I have been hurt by people and been hit in the face with rejection. Overtime those hurts caused myself to build this big brick wall around my heart and together, my heart and I decided to not care anymore. If I did not care about people or situations then they ultimately had no affect on me.
First, I would like to address my attitude:
I was very much stubborn and put on a harsh exterior. Because I was stubborn I was not about to change anything for anyone. Especially if I had been hurt then I was becoming more and more harsh and uncaring. I was very careless with how I spoke and would talk down to my friends and family (Sorry ya'll!). But, when you become uncaring, brick wall around your heart, then no way will you be trusting of anyone. I had SERIOUS trust issues. Who could blame me?
Despite my harsh exterior, trust issues and apathy...my heart was very much sensitive and tender. I would not allow things near my heart because I knew what pain felt like, but I was still very much a sensitive and emotional human being. My family and friends will tell you I was a harsh person on the outside so "gushy" and "meaningful" looked as though they never affected me. When in reality they did, but I just could not let people know I was weak.
Being weak is how I saw showing my emotions, such as, crying, showing concern etc. If people saw I was tough and harsh then in my mind they would "think twice" before hurting me. Kinda silly...but it makes sense.
"Yeah, I'm not angry
And no, I'm not upset
It's taken me awhile
But this is what I've learned
Emotional attachment is really not a threat
When I'm simply not concerned
The things that I take on
I soon shrug off
'cause I know no one
Will ever be content
With the way things are
Or with what they've got
So I've given up and now I'm just indifferent
I must admit;
All the words you spoke, I hated
Cause I don't see just how I can be motivated
Enough to break a sweat over a dying race
It seems our fate is something we've already embraced
You all laugh at me
Like I'm not happy
With anything, any time, anywhere
And the half of me's all about apathy
And the other half just doesn't care
Yeah, bein' apathetic's a pathetic way to be
(I don't care)
What matters to you does not matter to me
('cause I don't care)
So take a wild guess
It's like I just couldn't care less
If all the things you find impressive
Just blew up and made those messes
That you'll frantically repair
Like it's a life or death affair
And all the while you're unaware
For this, you really shouldn't care
But it's so hard to see the reality
That the end will be the end of things
And our hearts are all we get to bring
So let's go ahead and make them worth something
I'm well aware that everything
Is a far cry from all right
I'm well aware that all of us
Can at times, be too uptight
And possibly, the remedy
Is a dose of apathy
You point your finger at you
I'll point mine right back at me"
Second, let us begin the struggles:
Now that you understand my reasoning for acting apathetic, let me tell you how I eventually became 100% apathetic.
Like I said earlier, my heart was still sensitive but I did not wanna show it. But, the more I pursued this attitude the more and more it felt real. I was constantly sowing into this mindset and so slowly I was feeling more and more unresponsive to life. Life instantly felt unreal to me and my heart felt a little dead. The big brick wall was there to stay, but the heart it was protecting no longer existed. I couldn't feel anything from the heart, but I could still show emotions, laughing, smiling, etc.
I wasn't this miserable person to be around. I loved having fun with my friends and laughing. But, part of me felt it was tedious and there was no point to life itself.
If I wanted to feel like my life mattered, I would cut myself. With every little cut, I could feel it and then it seemed as though I was a real person. Cutting seemed more real than my life.
Once I was over my cuttting phase, I developed other outlets. Because they were the ones I could also feel something....writing, drugs and alcohol.When I realized I had to be happy in order to feel and enjoy my life, I sought happiness in all the wrong outlets....other peoples happiness and boys(typical girl problem). I remained apathetic and seeking meaning and feeling through all sorts of things, until I gave my life to Christ. My meaning and feelings in life are now surrounded by the love of God and you truly are a changed person once you have experienced it.
There were times, and sometimes still, when I struggle with apathy, but I will ultimately never forget where my joy comes from.
Lamentations 3:22
"Because of the Lord's great love
we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail"
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