Mis Padres es Muy Fuerte!

      I want to take a moment to recognize the two most amazing people in my life!

     My mother homeschooled 6 girls! If that alone doesn't deserve recognition, I don't know what does! She taught all of us to read and write. When I was younger my mother was the epitome of a mother, and what I mean by that is: she kissed our booboo's, wiped our noses, tucked us in, told us stories, etc.
     As I got older I gained more and more respect for my mother, she truly is a wonderful woman!
When my mom's mom, Nanny, was dying, my parents took her out of the nursing home and she came to live with us. I watched my mother take care of my grandmother until she died. My mother gave her medication, cleaned her, clothed her and made her comfortable. I watched my mother go through this difficult time and the whole time she was still very much positive. Yes, she had her moments of stress, but for the most part she was still very much uplifting.

     With 6 daughters you can imagine how much drama this causes between each and everyone of us...individually and when we are all together. My mom has always been the peacemaker, bends over backwards just for us to get along and always does a good job of being involved in our lives individually.
     When I was younger, I was definitely a little brat, as a teenager I lied all the time and was extremely rebellious. Despite my mistakes and outbursts, my mother was still there for me and was very loving. She may not have known much about my life, issues and emotional problems....but that does not mean it is because she did something. I chose to lie about who I was in order to protect my mother from thinking that everything I was going through was her fault....because it wasn't.
     Mom, I love you very much and am so blessed to have been raised by such an incredibly strong woman of God. You truly are World's Greatest Mom and I appreciate everything you have done for the girls and I. Also, when I am a mother I do want to be as amazing of a mother as you were to me!

      When I first decided to give my life over to the Lord and came to my parents asking forgiveness for being a rebellious pain in their butts, they laid hands on me and prayed. After the emotional prayer, my father looked at me and said, "Stephanie, I love you. But, as your earthly father I am not perfect and I will let you down at times. I want you to know that your heavenly father will never let you down and He is perfect. But, I will try my hardest."     Typing this now makes me emotional because being humble comes from those who know God and His true nature...and this is who my father is.
     As a PK(pastor's kid) it was difficult at times. Struggling with perfection in my father's eyes and God's eyes and always aiming for excellence in ministry. But, my father did an amazing job turning off the pastor when it came to turning on the daddy. In other words, I never felt as though my father was trying to be my pastor when I really needed my daddy, and I am very thankful for that.
    Being a father of 6 ridiculous girls and trying to lead a congregation are two very tasking jobs...but my father rocked at it!
     My daddy is a loving father and a great leader. He has been a huge influence in my life and has helped me in so many areas of growing spiritually, academically, mentally and emotionally. He has always taught my sisters and I the importance of family, and always said, "Steph, friends come and go. But your family is forever." Pretty cliche, but he is right.
     The #1 argument to end all arguments to little kids is the famous, "nuh-uh my dad said so!"   and  "my dad's better than your dad."    I totally still do this :)

 Mom and Dad, 
     I am very appreciative of you two and am very blessed to have you guys in my life. I hope one day to be as good to my children as you guys were to me...and still am.
     Sincerely, 
The favorite ;)

Being Apathetic Is A Pathetic Way To Be

FINALLY! The blog everyone has been asking me to write. I'm so famous, I suppose :)
My apathetic mindset was my defense mechanism from hurtful and painful subjects/people/situations.
If I was apathetic towards something/someone then it was easier to not get attached and/or hurt.
Just like almost everyone else in the world, I have been hurt by people and been hit in the face with rejection. Overtime those hurts caused myself to build this big brick wall around my heart and together, my heart and I decided to not care anymore. If I did not care about people or situations then they ultimately had no affect on me.
First, I would like to address my attitude:
       I was very much stubborn and put on a harsh exterior. Because I was stubborn I was not about to change anything for anyone. Especially if I had been hurt then I was becoming more and more harsh and uncaring. I was very careless with how I spoke and would talk down to my friends and family (Sorry ya'll!). But, when you become uncaring, brick wall around your heart, then no way will you be trusting of anyone. I had SERIOUS trust issues. Who could blame me?
       Despite my harsh exterior, trust issues and apathy...my heart was very much sensitive and tender. I would not allow things near my heart because I knew what pain felt like, but I was still very much a sensitive and emotional human being. My family and friends will tell you I was a harsh person on the outside so "gushy" and "meaningful" looked as though they never affected me. When in reality they did, but I just could not let people know I was weak.
       Being weak is how I saw showing my emotions, such as, crying, showing concern etc. If people saw I was tough and harsh then in my mind they would "think twice" before hurting me. Kinda silly...but it makes sense.

"Yeah, I'm not angry
And no, I'm not upset
It's taken me awhile
But this is what I've learned
Emotional attachment is really not a threat
When I'm simply not concerned
The things that I take on
I soon shrug off
'cause I know no one
Will ever be content
With the way things are
Or with what they've got
So I've given up and now I'm just indifferent
I must admit;
All the words you spoke, I hated
Cause I don't see just how I can be motivated
Enough to break a sweat over a dying race
It seems our fate is something we've already embraced
You all laugh at me
Like I'm not happy
With anything, any time, anywhere
And the half of me's all about apathy
And the other half just doesn't care
Yeah, bein' apathetic's a pathetic way to be
(I don't care)
What matters to you does not matter to me
('cause I don't care)
So take a wild guess
It's like I just couldn't care less
If all the things you find impressive
Just blew up and made those messes
That you'll frantically repair
Like it's a life or death affair
And all the while you're unaware
For this, you really shouldn't care
But it's so hard to see the reality
That the end will be the end of things
And our hearts are all we get to bring
So let's go ahead and make them worth something
I'm well aware that everything
Is a far cry from all right
I'm well aware that all of us
Can at times, be too uptight
And possibly, the remedy
Is a dose of apathy
You point your finger at you
I'll point mine right back at me"

Second, let us begin the struggles:
      Now that you understand my reasoning for acting apathetic, let me tell you how I eventually became 100% apathetic.
      Like I said earlier, my heart was still sensitive but I did not wanna show it. But, the more I pursued this attitude the more and more it felt real. I was constantly sowing into this mindset and so slowly I was feeling more and more unresponsive to life. Life instantly felt unreal to me and my heart felt a little dead. The big brick wall was there to stay, but the heart it was protecting no longer existed. I couldn't feel anything from the heart, but I could still show emotions, laughing, smiling, etc.
      I wasn't this miserable person to be around. I loved having fun with my friends and laughing. But, part of me felt it was tedious and there was no point to life itself.
      If I wanted to feel like my life mattered, I would cut myself. With every little cut, I could feel it and then it seemed as though I was a real person. Cutting seemed more real than my life.
         Once I was over my cuttting phase, I developed other outlets. Because they were the ones I could also feel something....writing, drugs and alcohol.When I realized I had to be happy in order to feel and enjoy my life, I sought happiness in all the wrong outlets....other peoples happiness and boys(typical girl problem). I remained apathetic and seeking meaning and feeling through all sorts of things, until I gave my life to Christ. My meaning and feelings in life are now surrounded by the love of God and you truly are a changed person once you have experienced it.
          There were times, and sometimes still, when I struggle with apathy, but I will ultimately never forget where my joy comes from.

                       Lamentations 3:22
                                   "Because of the Lord's great love
                                           we are not consumed, 
                                        for his compassions never fail"

I'm sprung for Spring

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

These flowers are courtesy of a cute boy ;)

 

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green

So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring.

But if you get too hot cool off under neath the deck :)

 So, everyone go outside! Lay in the grass, observe the nature in your own backyard and spend 10 minutes in the sunshine.



WARNING: If you have red hair and are what some call a "ginger" you may burn from sunlight.

"Did you see her arms?"

"Did you see her arms?" 

                                             "She's the girl with problems."

"Why do you always wear hoodies?"

                                                  
                                                           "She's  just doing it for attention."

      In today's society of messed up, impressionable teenagers, "cutting" is sometimes seen as a cool thing.
THAT IS WRONG!
     I was battling some heavy stuff when i was "cutting" myself. I had emotional problems, apathy consumed my mind and the only way I could feel much of life was a pair of blue scissors to my arms or legs. It was something I could control. I could control when I would be hurt, because I had hardened myself to the verbal, psychological and emotional hurt around me. It grew to an addiction and suddenly it was more of a problem than the solution.
     I had no one to talk to about it who was dealing with the same thing. Because, if you are an emotional misunderstood teenager, you cut yourself. So naturally, everybody's doing it.
"Oh, this? Yeah, my boyfriend broke up with me."
                                      "I did this when my mom and i got into it."
"I failed my math test."
                                     
      Those I surrounded myself with either did it too, or looked at me like I was one big problem. We would talk about it, but glorified it, rather than tried to help one another. To few, it was a social norm...but to those who were struggling, it was an addiction.
     So, I quit talking about it. It wasn't helping, just making it worse and nobody was uplifting. My friends would still engage me and talk about it, but I stayed quiet. I didn't want to be known as "the girl with problems" or "did you see her arms?", so I kept it secret. I would nurse my wounds, use Neosporin to hide any future scars that could be visible and cut lighter.
       My addiction with self affliction almost killed me. A Quick thought out slice to the crooks of my elbows, deep enough to possibly kill myself, but I wouldn't know...I'm still here. That was when I chose to give up, because it was no longer curing my apathy. Instead, it made me feel worse. I did move onto other things...drugs...but that's another blog in the making.
     Yes, I moved on and away from cutting. But that didn't mean I was healed. I still struggled with apathy and eventually found an outlet with writing.
     Self affliction is a serious addiction. The control behind hurting yourself is a serious problem. It is a very sick trend and a hurtful addiction. When you are seeking control of your internal wounds, you take your frustration out on yourself. You kill the thing on the outside to kill the thing on the inside.
      Many people believe cutting is a "cry for help", which in some cases it probably is. But, in my experience there was no way I wanted anyone else to acknowledge my cry. At times I wished someone had noticed, but in all honesty it was my demon and my fight. I'm not saying this is the case for all adolescents out there struggling with this, but it could be. When you treat people who are "cutting" as if they are crying out for help, it does not open any doors for healing. I didn't want to be treated like I was crying out for help, I wanted someone to listen to me and acknowledge my pain....but ultimately my issue was apathy and I wanted to feel something.
     When I would become emotionally "hurt" it was easier for me to build an emotional block around my heart and harden it with bitterness and pain. I got so frustrated emotionally because I couldn't control how I could get hurt. When self affliction became an option for me, I became addicted to having power over my hurt. I never wanted to get hurt, nobody does, but when I knew I could take out my emotional frustration on myself then that would somehow make it O.K.
       WRONG! 
     When you are hurt/hurting you need to do healthier things to release emotional frustration. For me, I chose writing. I became an insomniac and would stay up in my room throughout the night writing and making up stories. I would go through like 2 packs of cigarettes and just sit by my window and write(sorry mom and dad). Although I was still struggling with drugs and alcohol, I felt acomplished in not cutting anymore.
     "Cutting" is an issue that needs to be addressed within today's generation! How many more people struggle with this? I do not know how to express my hearts passion behind this with words. I simply just want to help anyone who has ever gone through this or is currently going through it. Because, I would have wanted someone who was going through what I was to be able to sit down with me and tell me:
You are not the problem...
You have an addiction, you need help and you are NOT alone.
Any life is worth preserving and "cutting" will not lead to this...it will end in destruction.
Like I said earlier, "You kill the thing on the outside to kill the thing on the inside.".....well, the thing on the inside is Stephanie and although she's going through somethings, her life is still worth living.
If anyone reads this and is going through a struggle of some kind and want help or just someone to talk to, I'm here.
I have talked to many teenagers who were/are struggling with "cutting" and I've also watched their lives transform in so many ways I cannot explain. If there is hurting then I believe there is also healing and I want more than anything to see people get healed from this.