Mis Padres es Muy Fuerte!

      I want to take a moment to recognize the two most amazing people in my life!

     My mother homeschooled 6 girls! If that alone doesn't deserve recognition, I don't know what does! She taught all of us to read and write. When I was younger my mother was the epitome of a mother, and what I mean by that is: she kissed our booboo's, wiped our noses, tucked us in, told us stories, etc.
     As I got older I gained more and more respect for my mother, she truly is a wonderful woman!
When my mom's mom, Nanny, was dying, my parents took her out of the nursing home and she came to live with us. I watched my mother take care of my grandmother until she died. My mother gave her medication, cleaned her, clothed her and made her comfortable. I watched my mother go through this difficult time and the whole time she was still very much positive. Yes, she had her moments of stress, but for the most part she was still very much uplifting.

     With 6 daughters you can imagine how much drama this causes between each and everyone of us...individually and when we are all together. My mom has always been the peacemaker, bends over backwards just for us to get along and always does a good job of being involved in our lives individually.
     When I was younger, I was definitely a little brat, as a teenager I lied all the time and was extremely rebellious. Despite my mistakes and outbursts, my mother was still there for me and was very loving. She may not have known much about my life, issues and emotional problems....but that does not mean it is because she did something. I chose to lie about who I was in order to protect my mother from thinking that everything I was going through was her fault....because it wasn't.
     Mom, I love you very much and am so blessed to have been raised by such an incredibly strong woman of God. You truly are World's Greatest Mom and I appreciate everything you have done for the girls and I. Also, when I am a mother I do want to be as amazing of a mother as you were to me!

      When I first decided to give my life over to the Lord and came to my parents asking forgiveness for being a rebellious pain in their butts, they laid hands on me and prayed. After the emotional prayer, my father looked at me and said, "Stephanie, I love you. But, as your earthly father I am not perfect and I will let you down at times. I want you to know that your heavenly father will never let you down and He is perfect. But, I will try my hardest."     Typing this now makes me emotional because being humble comes from those who know God and His true nature...and this is who my father is.
     As a PK(pastor's kid) it was difficult at times. Struggling with perfection in my father's eyes and God's eyes and always aiming for excellence in ministry. But, my father did an amazing job turning off the pastor when it came to turning on the daddy. In other words, I never felt as though my father was trying to be my pastor when I really needed my daddy, and I am very thankful for that.
    Being a father of 6 ridiculous girls and trying to lead a congregation are two very tasking jobs...but my father rocked at it!
     My daddy is a loving father and a great leader. He has been a huge influence in my life and has helped me in so many areas of growing spiritually, academically, mentally and emotionally. He has always taught my sisters and I the importance of family, and always said, "Steph, friends come and go. But your family is forever." Pretty cliche, but he is right.
     The #1 argument to end all arguments to little kids is the famous, "nuh-uh my dad said so!"   and  "my dad's better than your dad."    I totally still do this :)

 Mom and Dad, 
     I am very appreciative of you two and am very blessed to have you guys in my life. I hope one day to be as good to my children as you guys were to me...and still am.
     Sincerely, 
The favorite ;)

Being Apathetic Is A Pathetic Way To Be

FINALLY! The blog everyone has been asking me to write. I'm so famous, I suppose :)
My apathetic mindset was my defense mechanism from hurtful and painful subjects/people/situations.
If I was apathetic towards something/someone then it was easier to not get attached and/or hurt.
Just like almost everyone else in the world, I have been hurt by people and been hit in the face with rejection. Overtime those hurts caused myself to build this big brick wall around my heart and together, my heart and I decided to not care anymore. If I did not care about people or situations then they ultimately had no affect on me.
First, I would like to address my attitude:
       I was very much stubborn and put on a harsh exterior. Because I was stubborn I was not about to change anything for anyone. Especially if I had been hurt then I was becoming more and more harsh and uncaring. I was very careless with how I spoke and would talk down to my friends and family (Sorry ya'll!). But, when you become uncaring, brick wall around your heart, then no way will you be trusting of anyone. I had SERIOUS trust issues. Who could blame me?
       Despite my harsh exterior, trust issues and apathy...my heart was very much sensitive and tender. I would not allow things near my heart because I knew what pain felt like, but I was still very much a sensitive and emotional human being. My family and friends will tell you I was a harsh person on the outside so "gushy" and "meaningful" looked as though they never affected me. When in reality they did, but I just could not let people know I was weak.
       Being weak is how I saw showing my emotions, such as, crying, showing concern etc. If people saw I was tough and harsh then in my mind they would "think twice" before hurting me. Kinda silly...but it makes sense.

"Yeah, I'm not angry
And no, I'm not upset
It's taken me awhile
But this is what I've learned
Emotional attachment is really not a threat
When I'm simply not concerned
The things that I take on
I soon shrug off
'cause I know no one
Will ever be content
With the way things are
Or with what they've got
So I've given up and now I'm just indifferent
I must admit;
All the words you spoke, I hated
Cause I don't see just how I can be motivated
Enough to break a sweat over a dying race
It seems our fate is something we've already embraced
You all laugh at me
Like I'm not happy
With anything, any time, anywhere
And the half of me's all about apathy
And the other half just doesn't care
Yeah, bein' apathetic's a pathetic way to be
(I don't care)
What matters to you does not matter to me
('cause I don't care)
So take a wild guess
It's like I just couldn't care less
If all the things you find impressive
Just blew up and made those messes
That you'll frantically repair
Like it's a life or death affair
And all the while you're unaware
For this, you really shouldn't care
But it's so hard to see the reality
That the end will be the end of things
And our hearts are all we get to bring
So let's go ahead and make them worth something
I'm well aware that everything
Is a far cry from all right
I'm well aware that all of us
Can at times, be too uptight
And possibly, the remedy
Is a dose of apathy
You point your finger at you
I'll point mine right back at me"

Second, let us begin the struggles:
      Now that you understand my reasoning for acting apathetic, let me tell you how I eventually became 100% apathetic.
      Like I said earlier, my heart was still sensitive but I did not wanna show it. But, the more I pursued this attitude the more and more it felt real. I was constantly sowing into this mindset and so slowly I was feeling more and more unresponsive to life. Life instantly felt unreal to me and my heart felt a little dead. The big brick wall was there to stay, but the heart it was protecting no longer existed. I couldn't feel anything from the heart, but I could still show emotions, laughing, smiling, etc.
      I wasn't this miserable person to be around. I loved having fun with my friends and laughing. But, part of me felt it was tedious and there was no point to life itself.
      If I wanted to feel like my life mattered, I would cut myself. With every little cut, I could feel it and then it seemed as though I was a real person. Cutting seemed more real than my life.
         Once I was over my cuttting phase, I developed other outlets. Because they were the ones I could also feel something....writing, drugs and alcohol.When I realized I had to be happy in order to feel and enjoy my life, I sought happiness in all the wrong outlets....other peoples happiness and boys(typical girl problem). I remained apathetic and seeking meaning and feeling through all sorts of things, until I gave my life to Christ. My meaning and feelings in life are now surrounded by the love of God and you truly are a changed person once you have experienced it.
          There were times, and sometimes still, when I struggle with apathy, but I will ultimately never forget where my joy comes from.

                       Lamentations 3:22
                                   "Because of the Lord's great love
                                           we are not consumed, 
                                        for his compassions never fail"

I'm sprung for Spring

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

These flowers are courtesy of a cute boy ;)

 

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green

So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring.

But if you get too hot cool off under neath the deck :)

 So, everyone go outside! Lay in the grass, observe the nature in your own backyard and spend 10 minutes in the sunshine.



WARNING: If you have red hair and are what some call a "ginger" you may burn from sunlight.

"Did you see her arms?"

"Did you see her arms?" 

                                             "She's the girl with problems."

"Why do you always wear hoodies?"

                                                  
                                                           "She's  just doing it for attention."

      In today's society of messed up, impressionable teenagers, "cutting" is sometimes seen as a cool thing.
THAT IS WRONG!
     I was battling some heavy stuff when i was "cutting" myself. I had emotional problems, apathy consumed my mind and the only way I could feel much of life was a pair of blue scissors to my arms or legs. It was something I could control. I could control when I would be hurt, because I had hardened myself to the verbal, psychological and emotional hurt around me. It grew to an addiction and suddenly it was more of a problem than the solution.
     I had no one to talk to about it who was dealing with the same thing. Because, if you are an emotional misunderstood teenager, you cut yourself. So naturally, everybody's doing it.
"Oh, this? Yeah, my boyfriend broke up with me."
                                      "I did this when my mom and i got into it."
"I failed my math test."
                                     
      Those I surrounded myself with either did it too, or looked at me like I was one big problem. We would talk about it, but glorified it, rather than tried to help one another. To few, it was a social norm...but to those who were struggling, it was an addiction.
     So, I quit talking about it. It wasn't helping, just making it worse and nobody was uplifting. My friends would still engage me and talk about it, but I stayed quiet. I didn't want to be known as "the girl with problems" or "did you see her arms?", so I kept it secret. I would nurse my wounds, use Neosporin to hide any future scars that could be visible and cut lighter.
       My addiction with self affliction almost killed me. A Quick thought out slice to the crooks of my elbows, deep enough to possibly kill myself, but I wouldn't know...I'm still here. That was when I chose to give up, because it was no longer curing my apathy. Instead, it made me feel worse. I did move onto other things...drugs...but that's another blog in the making.
     Yes, I moved on and away from cutting. But that didn't mean I was healed. I still struggled with apathy and eventually found an outlet with writing.
     Self affliction is a serious addiction. The control behind hurting yourself is a serious problem. It is a very sick trend and a hurtful addiction. When you are seeking control of your internal wounds, you take your frustration out on yourself. You kill the thing on the outside to kill the thing on the inside.
      Many people believe cutting is a "cry for help", which in some cases it probably is. But, in my experience there was no way I wanted anyone else to acknowledge my cry. At times I wished someone had noticed, but in all honesty it was my demon and my fight. I'm not saying this is the case for all adolescents out there struggling with this, but it could be. When you treat people who are "cutting" as if they are crying out for help, it does not open any doors for healing. I didn't want to be treated like I was crying out for help, I wanted someone to listen to me and acknowledge my pain....but ultimately my issue was apathy and I wanted to feel something.
     When I would become emotionally "hurt" it was easier for me to build an emotional block around my heart and harden it with bitterness and pain. I got so frustrated emotionally because I couldn't control how I could get hurt. When self affliction became an option for me, I became addicted to having power over my hurt. I never wanted to get hurt, nobody does, but when I knew I could take out my emotional frustration on myself then that would somehow make it O.K.
       WRONG! 
     When you are hurt/hurting you need to do healthier things to release emotional frustration. For me, I chose writing. I became an insomniac and would stay up in my room throughout the night writing and making up stories. I would go through like 2 packs of cigarettes and just sit by my window and write(sorry mom and dad). Although I was still struggling with drugs and alcohol, I felt acomplished in not cutting anymore.
     "Cutting" is an issue that needs to be addressed within today's generation! How many more people struggle with this? I do not know how to express my hearts passion behind this with words. I simply just want to help anyone who has ever gone through this or is currently going through it. Because, I would have wanted someone who was going through what I was to be able to sit down with me and tell me:
You are not the problem...
You have an addiction, you need help and you are NOT alone.
Any life is worth preserving and "cutting" will not lead to this...it will end in destruction.
Like I said earlier, "You kill the thing on the outside to kill the thing on the inside.".....well, the thing on the inside is Stephanie and although she's going through somethings, her life is still worth living.
If anyone reads this and is going through a struggle of some kind and want help or just someone to talk to, I'm here.
I have talked to many teenagers who were/are struggling with "cutting" and I've also watched their lives transform in so many ways I cannot explain. If there is hurting then I believe there is also healing and I want more than anything to see people get healed from this.

Ink

So, i have 5 tattoos...all of them are pretty awesome...if i do say so myself. Sometimes, people get tattoos because they like people to see them, ask about em' and compliment them. Attention seekers, individualists, misfits and rebellious-angsty teenagers...those are the kind of people who are commonly associated with tattoos. I do not think I really fit into any of them. I do not like attention...sure I'm an individual, but an individual who's just the same as any other 19 yr old girl...misfit and rebellious-angsty teenager I will claim I mosdef fit those at one point. But, all around I am simply just Stephanie.
People ask me about my tattoos and I always give a halfassed answer. I never give them the full story, why it means so much I made it permanent and why I chose it. So, I am going to explain each and every tattoo in order of when I got them :)
So it goes...
Location = left wrist
I got this the day before my 17th birthday. I went allllll the way to Corbin KY to a tattoo parlor that doesn't I.D. with two girls I was good friends with at the time.
It is from the book Slaughter House Five by Kurt Vonnegut, brilliant writer but total whack-job.
I was such an apathetic person and I had experienced the loss of two close friends at the time. One of them O.D.ed on Heroin and the other drowned in a swimming pool. So I was needing to grieve but saw no reason to because I had grown so cold and apathetic.
In the book it always follows after death of a person.The Tralfamadorian's taught it to Billy Pilgrim. Their belief is that moments exist not sequentially, with a past, present and future; but as a constant state of has happened, is happening, and will happen. It's basically just another form of saying, 'it happens', 'move on' or 'oh well'. Therefore, when a person or thing is dead, they are also alive, because every moment that they were alive is simultaneously existing-- it is just that their body is currently not in very good shape. So they say 'So it goes.'
Let it all out
Location = right hip bone
Relient K is my favorite bands and their album 'Mhmm' had a huge impact on my life. It came out when I was 14 and on vacation in Gatlinburg with my family. Mom, Dad, Tiffany, Christina and myself all stayed in Pigeon Forge. It was the time after I had tried to kill myself the first time and trying to find meaning. Finding meaning at 14 yrs old sounds so empty and sad...now that I say it outloud....but that was where I was at.
"You said i know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
if the burden seems too much to bare, remember the end will
justify the pain it took to get us there."
that is the chorus in the song and i was so broken and confused....but it made so much sense to me. I fell in love with the song and forgot why.
Some friends were going to get tattoos so I figured I'd go to! I had nothing in mind so I randomly picked this. That night we stayed in Corbin with friends and they all asked me why I got it. "its a song from one of my favorite bands." was my reply...I had forgotten why it meant so much to me. So I looked up the lyrics on my phone and wanted to cry....I had become a hypocrite. The song is about redemption, forgiveness and persecution as a christian and I wasn't living that life anymore. I had no real deep and personal reason at first when I got it...but it made me take a look at my life and see how I needed to change.
It's for real this time
Location = left foot
When I first got saved again and forreal my darling sisler, Rachel gave me a list of songs to look up. "Falling for you" by Leeland was one of them. I sobbed through the whole song. It is the epitome of Jesus and I's relationship.
-A childlike love I had
When we first began
We ran and I fell behind
I’ve been stuck here all this time
You waited like a lover
Who couldn’t let go of his bride
I turned my back away from You
Didn’t shed a tear or cry
But I’m falling for You now
I’m coming back to the place where we parted
It’s for real this time
So I’ll be here waiting where we started
My feet were bruised
I tried but I couldn’t fill Your shoes
I went my way
I bought the lie that I was all grown up
Didn’t need You in my life
The winter left me cold and frozen
Looking for the truth
But searching for the sun
I found the place where I met You
It feels so good
To be in Your arms
You never left me
I just chose to stay behind
I want to thank You for Your love
That gives me freedom
To run back, to come back-
I still cry when I hear this song. Tears of joy, happiness and even sadness. I was such a fool, but He never left me...I left Him. ITS FOR REAL THIS TIME I am going nowhere, I am not leaving you and I am sorry.
At the end of it is a heart with 8 flower petals, which is from the Carroll girl's sisler necklaces. It was because of my wonderful sislers that I found my way back, they played a huge role in my life. I didn't like my family at one point, but they never gave up on me...even when I gave up on them.
75 
Location = right ankle bone
I got this as a random/spontanious tattoo when the beautiful Melanie Richmond told me she was going to get a tattoo and asked me to go with her. 'I might as well get one too' I thought...and so I did.
Like I said before about Relient K and that one album...on it was also a song called "High of 75" and there's a line in it that says:
"It's funny how you find you enjoy your life, when you're happy to be alive"
Because I had recently tried to kill myself and looking for meaning to life...I had felt like I found it within that one line. So, I developed that as my mindset for doing anything and everything. I was alive and on vacation with my family, that wouldn't have happened if I had offed myself. I wouldn't have the opportunity to be 'looking for meaning' if I had succeeded. So, I just needed to find a reason to be happy in order to enjoy my life. I sought after happiness outside of Jesus to keep me going and never found it. But, I found it within Him, now, so needless to say I enjoy my life ;)
Lady Slipper Orchid
Location = Right shoulder blade
I don't really like flowers. I have never really seen myself as a flower kind of girl, I guess. I also used to never see myself as something beautiful, elegant, girly and full of worth till recently. The only flowers I liked were Roses, but only if they were from my Daddy on my birthday, because that's what he has always done for all of us growing up. Also, Lady Slipper Orchids. I had a Spelling book in Middle School(I was homeschooled) and each chapter had a different exotic flower on it. I never saw how any of them were different from others or original...what made them so special? But, one chapter had a Lady Slipper Orchid on it and I thought 'that is what i call an exotic flower.' so I became obsessed with it's rare beauty and weird look. So that was my secret favorite flower. I say secret because it really was, I wouldn't tell anyone for fear they would steal it from me. So I always said "Sunflowers" or "Lillies" when really I could have cared less about those flowers.
Lately, the Lord has been softening my heart towards certain things that I would have never understood. He was showing me the beauty behind everything and flowers was one of them. I don't know how to explain it but I think

I can't believe I'm doing this...

OK-- It has been made very clear that The Lord wants me to start a blog. I cringe and roll my eyes as i type all of this, because i am not one to put all of my thoughts out for everyone to read. I write constantly. Journaling is something i am very passionate about and i will admit it has become my outlet for dealing with things, as opposed to talking with someone. For those who know me can say that i love writing and love keeping my thoughts to myself. I have no problem speaking my mind, projecting my opinions and being honest to someone about something. But, when it comes to opening up, talking about my feelings, expressing my thoughts, sharing my emotions, etc. i would much rather hear yours than say all of mine outloud and leave judgement on my words upto someone other than myself. If that makes sense. I am very much a closed book, it is very hard for me to let people in and trust them. So, i am trusting God and i know by doing this will help me in being able to go deeper with others on my part and not just theirs.

      When i was in Costa Rica, God showed me how important it is to be vunerable with strangers, friends, family members, etc. Vunerable meaning, opening up, becoming transparent and real with someone. It was high up in the mountains, crammed in a tiny house, and surrounded by my friends and strangers who all loved Jesus, that i first opened up in a way i don't think i have ever. I told my life story and even cried. Crying is not something i do(i lost my tearducts in Nam) especially in-front of people. I used to think it was a sign of weakness, too emotional, lame or too girl for me. But, i freakin' cried and talked about my life before really loving God. After i had shared people were told me how much i had ministered to them just by sharing, one woman said she could relate to my story, she was like 60 and was able to relate to a 18 yr old girl from the U.S.. "It is comforting to know you guys have problems just like us." was what one man said after every single of us(the youth group and interns)gave our testimonies. To open up like that is very powerful. Being vunerable is a very powerful thing.
     So, since it was my testimony that created this freedom of release within myself to be vunerable, transparent, open up, wtv.(wtv.=whatever: kinda like etc.) I've decided i will tell my testimony here. I have only told my testimony 2x. Once in the mountains of Costa Rica and once at a park with one of my best friends. I understand that a lot of what i will say might shock a lot of people...especially those who do not know me very well and those who do know me very well. Ya see, because i have never really talked about things nobody ever knew things about with me. So here goes nothing...

      I gave my heart to Jesus when i was 7 yrs old and i grew up a PK(preacher's kid). Needless to say i always knew the truth about it all...Heaven and hell...Jesus and God....Adam and Eve...you get it. But, when i was 13 Satan came at me with full force and i buckled. I struggled between trying to be "a good christian" and "a normal teenager". It is very hard to be a normal teenager if you love Jesus, because you have to say no to temptation and set a good example for your friends. I was tempted with the world, fell in love with it and it slowly started to swallow me up. From 13-14 i struggled between loving God and the world...and no man can serve two masters. But, from 15 on i was dying to turn 16...because that is when i could stop going to church "as a family" is what Dad said. My family knew i was struggling, they encouraged me. But, i was so bitter, hardhearted and stubborn i refused it. My church family suspected things wrong with me i guess, but i was really good at lying. Man, i rocked at lies. I knew how to make it sound like spiritually i was fantastic when really i was stonecold inside. I became very angry and depressed at 13. I attempted to kill myself when i was 13 bout to turn 14. I would cut myself up so much that sometimes my arms and legs were no longer recognizeable. I would cover up the wounds and nurse them back to health(because i never wanted big scars from it). I never did it for attention, to be noticed, wtv. i did it because i literally couldn't feel anything. I became addicted to my own self affliction and soon it wasn't filling the void i was hoping it would.
I had become so apathetic, self loathing, angry and depressed i scared myself at times and i refused to talk about any of it or ask for help. Apathetic is the best way/word i can use to describe how i was. I literally found no reason to do anything. I could have cared less about everything!
At 16 i became addicted to sleeping pills. I would sleep for days and never want to wake up. I didn't care about anything, anyone and so i would just do what i wanted. I built up an immunity to the pills and was quickly taking 5 just to even get a bit sleepy enough to nap. So, i took a lot.
One day i took 10 just to sleep, and when i woke up 1 hour later i took 5 more. Hoping it would be just enough to kill myself. That is a deadly amount of chemicals and i should have died...atleast that is what I have been told. I woke up the next day with a pounding headache and stomache ache. The fact that i woke up with minor pains and actually breathing freaked me out. So i decided never to take them unless i actually needed them.
Over the ages 13-17 i developed a heavy drug use. I smoked so much marijuana i don't really remember much. I couldn't tell you much of my 16th and 17th year. I mainly know what i have written down in my journals and what i have been told. Once i am told something i can kind of remember, but not completely. I did a lot of other drugs that i never told anyone about because i knew my friends would disapprove. My friends are the main reason i didn't just shoot myself, hang myself, etc. as harsh as that sounds it is true. Because i couldn't stand my family much at that time, i let my friends speak love and truth to me. Only one group of friends i mingled with were all of that to me....the others were terrible people for me to hang around with.
I was constantly in dangerous situations and the Lord would ALWAYS speak to me. I heard Him more clearly then than i do now. Odd, isn't it? But, i thank Him all the time for that.
I reached a point where i wasn't happy, sure i could look the part and act the part...but i was dying inside. I was unsatisfied...i needed to grow up and better myself. So, because i had this mindset of "you can be a christian and still be a good person."  i would always strive for just that standard. It's like i was always out to prove everyone who thought otherwise wrong. I starting to quit smoking, drinking and limiting my amount of daily drugs. But, i always fell back..because i had no standard, accountability or morals. You can be a good person and not be a christian...i still firmly think this...but, you need Jesus...everyone does. Without Him we will always fall again and again.
My little sisler, Christina is the most precious person in the world, to me. She had been on the worship team at church and asked me to come hear her sing. I told her i would, so reluctantly i showed up late and left right after. But the whole time worship was going my heart was racing and hurting. I kept thinking "I belong here. I am a stranger in the place i grew up in." I saw people i had never met before...lots of them. "This is my home." i thought, but i was so stubborn and confused right then i just wanted to cry. My other wonderful sisler, Erica reached over and held my hand till worship was over. I could barely stand the emotions that had bubbled up randomly and just needed to get out! I left right after and sobbed my eyes out! I didn't even understand why i was sobbing so much...my emotions just got out of hand in there. After i calmed down i wanted to do something mindless and so i got on FACEBOOK. My OTHER amazing sisler, Anna randomly chatted me. She had been in Costa Rica so we had catching up to do. Mid way through our conversation she started telling me her testimony, how she was unsatisfied, tried everything she could to better herself but ultimately just needed Jesus. I got defensive and told her i was satisfied, happy and a good person. End of conversation. Harsh, i know...but that was pretty much how i operated. Harsh and straight to the point.
     I processed it all and figured i would just start coming to church again, because i missed it. So i texted my sister.
ME: "maybe i wanna start coming back to church"
ERICA: "are you gonna sit in the pew or change?"
OUCH...but true.
ME: "idk."
ERICA: "come over to my house after class and we'll talk about it."
so i did....and i knew what was gonna happen.
      I came in, we made small talk and then i started crying and talking to her about everything. Then we went in her living room and she prayed with me. Then i went home to talk with my parents, but first i called Rachel(yet another sister)and told her. My parents prayed over me for my upcoming walk with God, addiction(i didn't think they knew about my drug use), and rebuked lies satan had fed me. Then, i went to Rachel's and we skyped Anna so i could tell her.
     I love my family, life and Savior. I gave in to so many lies and satan beat me down, but Christ got the victory in the end. I am 100% happier now than i ever was. I went through a lot, saw a lot and experienced so much. But, there is no other way i would want to live my life! I love Jesus and am satisfied. I am constantly growing and there is never anything that i can't overcome without Him.
:D